


letters from the line continued

by Alexasnow



Series: letters from the line [4]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, War Horse, tomhiddleston
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 11:20:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3379649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things as they often do in war have taken a turn for the worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	letters from the line continued

They fight well the new additions to our regiment, sadly, as I expected the boy is the exception, he is frightened out of his wits, overwhelmed by the bloodshed and proximity to death, his fear is visible. I worry as the look I see on his face I have seen before, he doesn't sleep he is afraid to, he can't focus, when he sleeps he wakes up screaming, upon realizing where he is he begins to cry.  
This is hard enough for a grown man, this is no place for a child, he like me had visions of glory but the reality was a waking nightmare, I can see it is tearing him apart but nothing we say gets through. He almost got blown to pieces by a grenade, we screamed at him to move but it was as if he couldn't hear us or see us, one of my men against my direct order dragged him out barely.  
He is a liability to my soldiers, I fear for him and them, he can't survive here and selfishly I wonder how many of us will get caught in the wake of his ever growing madness. He doesn't speak, we must drag him along with us, as if we leave him his death isn't only likely it's guaranteed.  
We are in the middle of nowhere so we can't take him anywhere to send him home, so he remains our responsibility at the risk of our lives, we are his careers and bodyguards, I know some of the men resent it and I understand why, they look to me now to know what to do.  
I can't snap him out of this, I feel he has drifted further and further away with each passing day, I feel helpless, I feel ashamed admitting this but my mind is blank, I do not know how to save him or protect my men from him. What can I do?, abandon him, my conscience won't allow it.  
So I am at a loss, this is not what I imagined being a commander entailed. This is too much responsibility and pressure, everything is down to me, they constantly defer to my judgement, they do so now and I have nothing. I wish you could tell me what to do?, but I fear I can only share my frustrations and fears with you. My heart is heavy and my mind is in overdrive, I am struggling to rest even when we get the chance. My love for you and respect of your opinion keeps me going. I will have to make a decision soon. Pray for him. He needs it more than I.

Always your Captain Nicholls.

We have lost another man, he disappeared in an instant of red mist, which has driven the boy over the edge, as the blood splatter coated his face, he blames himself, I can not comfort him as he was at fault, and now he won't stop screaming, we can barely hear him over the shells and bullets flying, but I see the suffering etched into his face, his mouth open wide, frozen in a scream, it is a haunting image to behold.  
We didn't have time to grieve we had to keep fighting, only when the hail of bullets halted were we able to bow our heads for our fallen comrade, there was no body to bury, he deserved better, my stomach turned as the sight flashed before my eyes again when I closed them briefly to pray, I had to pray with my eyes open, I meant no disrespect but the image was burnt into my mind along with the persistent look of terror upon the boys face. He is still screaming, his screams fade as his exhaustion gets the better of him, we are glad of the peace, my ears could not block out the screams, it wouldn't fade into the background, it pierced our damaged ears.  
He didn't rest long but long enough for us to forget briefly the sound of his petrified screams, they begin again, our ears now also invaded, what won't this place take, it takes peace of mind, it invaded your mind waking and at rest, there is no escape, we are apart of this hell, are our souls stained by this nether world. This can't be earth this surely is hell, claiming soul after soul. 

I apologize for my sullen words but things are looking bleak, morale is none existent. Soldiers are calling for the boys head, I am almost afraid to ask what is next?, can it be worse?, I hope not. Pray for us all as we struggle to survive mentally and psychically. Hold me tonight. If we should survive this foul place, we should meet, pondering this has been a light in deepest darkest abyss.

Always yours Captain Nicholls 

How do you hold a group together when they are losing hope fast and worse still appear to be losing the will to live. How do I find it for them?, is it possible for another to give you that will?, I barely hold on to my own how do I find extra for them.  
After finding that poor child dying by his own hand, crying for his mother, he died in my arms during a cease fire, it should have been a time to celebrate, or rest, but it was not for me or my regiment, the hell continued. It was during the deathly silence when it all became too much for him, he couldn't be here, he didn't belong here, he screamed over and over, he whimpered for his mother with his dying breath.  
The regiment wasn't witness to this horror, I noted his absence and I went looking for him, I found him away from the others. I pleaded with him to not do it, but I didn't have the words to sway him, he was too far gone, he shot himself but the angle was off as he hesitated last minute but it was too late, the gun fired, echoing around us, silence then he began to scream in pain, so I had to hear his anguished screams, knowing there was nothing I could do, before he quietly whimpered into my uniform, slowly fading away, I couldn't protect him, I couldn't save him and now his mother would know the agony shared by many. 

I felt overwhelmed in that moment, I allowed myself to feel and it was soul destroying, I held him close, and screamed, it may have been a cease fire but it was one of my worst moments. Burying him, I had no words; there was nothing I could say. That stony silence said it all.

Always yours Captain Nicholls


End file.
